Final Fantasy XIII TV
by QTXAdsy
Summary: The crazy TV station that never has a successful season...
1. Daily TV

**I don't where I got this idea from. NOTE: Some of the shows mentioned are well known by our UK fanfic readers, but probably not US readers.**

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**6:30: Breakfast TV **

Wake up to Vanille's annoying voice as she presents the breakfast show and the latest news about death, war and whatnot to put you off your breakfast.

**9:25: After Nine **

Hope shows you many ways to arrive late to school, while trying to avoid the headmaster!

**9:45: Top Gear **

Sazh and Snow take you on a road trip round Gran Pulse while avoiding giant Behemoths.

**10:30: News and Weather **

Vanille returns to tell you about all the tumbling economy and other things that make you want to shut her up, Co-staring Fang as the weather woman.

**10:50: Neighbours Away **

In today's episode, the entire community leaves after Lightning nearly kills them all after testing out her new, powerful gunblade.

**11:00: Cash in the Attic **

Bartholomew and his cronies waste an hour in the attic trying to find large amount of money that his late wife hid.

**12:00: Safari Adventures **

Fang takes you on a trip around Gran Pulse studying dangerous wildlife, while the camera crew completely shit themselves for their lives.

**12:30: Can't cook, won't cook **

The NORA boys compete against each other to try and make wonderful meal to win absolutely nothing. Guest stars Tifa and Cloud as the tasters, oh dear oh dear!

**13:00: FILM – Romeo and Juliet**

Snow and Serah star in the remake of this classic Shakespearian story.

**15:00: Racing from Bodhum **

Sazh brings you commentary when a very angry Lightning chases Snow with a rocket launcher in pursuer after he makes Serah upset after he looses his house after forgetting to pay the bills.

**16:00: The Apprentice**

Lightning puts Hope through his paces to become her apprentice.

**17:00: It's a Knockout **

Snow and Fang make the big mistake of trying their little tricks on Hope when they backfire on them. (Last in the present series)

**18:00: Bodhum's got Talent **

Yet another mindless TV talent show for your enjoyment. Hope to god this time Vanille doesn't win it this time like for the last three seasons.

**19:00: What's New? **

A sneak preview of Final Fantasy XIII-2, with the rest of the XIII cast, apart from Lightning, are really pissed off for not getting to star in it, or do they?

**19:30: The News **

Good lord! Vanille went to bed early, joys of joy! Now we have Fang and Sazh presenting it, as best as Fang can do if she doesn't flirt with the studio crew…

**20:00: The Bill **

Square-Enix counts the cost they'll need to try and get back after XIV flops.

**21:00: FILM – Braveheart **

Hope's journey to take on his haters and win, don't they call him 'Braveheart' for nothing, eh?

**23:30: The News **

Vanille returns to present and is not happy with Sazh and Fang taking her place…

**0:00: The XXX Factor **

Late night Porno with Snow and Serah…No children allowed to watch!

**0:30: Closedown **

Sorry viewers, the whole cast have been sent to bed without any supper.

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**What was that I was thinking off? Review anyway and tell me what you think...**


	2. James Bond Season!

**Haha! I'm back! It's amazing to think that I didn't expect people to love this and ask for me to continue. When it came to planning about this, the idea of the gang staring in James Bond films just wouldn't leave me, especially since I've been in a James Bond mood lately since they announced the next Bond movie, yay! Now to be honest, I'm not to happy with this part, still, maybe you folks out there may like it...so on you go! **

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**It's James Bond season on FFXIIITV! And here is the collection of crazy stories for your enjoyment! **

**Dr. No **

Hope has big fears of the new scary doctor taking up residence at his local hospital.

**From Russia with Love**

Snow attempts to try and woo Serah by heading to Russia and back again to give her some Russia 'love-stuff', though it doesn't all go to plan when he comes back speaking all Russian…

**Goldfinger **

Sazh develops a strange infection on his finger…

**Thunderball **

Fang is banned from a bowling alley as her 'Thunderball' bowling ball brings the house down, quite literally.

**You Only Live Twice**

Vanille becomes a womanizing 007 (Err, what?) when she and Fang escape from their crystallized prison, proving that you only love twice.

**On Her Majesty's Secret Service **

Lightning turns queen, whoopee-do, and Hope is sent out to work a few dangerous tasks for her…poor kid gets himself into many strange situations, doesn't he?

**Diamonds Are Forever **

Fang and Vanille attempt to break into bank while they accidently break into a diamond factory and are forever trapped (somehow) in it, Muhahahaha…. Lame.

**Live and Let Die**

Sod the plot! It's Paul McCartney performing the bloody theme tune! Rock on Macca!

**The Man with the Golden gun **

Remember how Sazh got a goldfinger? Take a look what he got now…

**The Spy Who Loved Me **

Hope becomes a Spy to win Lighting's love over (Audience: "Aww!")

**Moonraker**

For punishment for breaking into the Diamond factory, Fang and Vanille are sent to the Moon to rake the surface of the moon. Yeah, bit you didn't see that one coming, eh?

**For Your Eyes Only**

Serah has something to show Snow on her down 'there' that she claims is 'for his eyes-only'.

**Octopussy **

So what did Serah want to show Snow? Well by the guess of the title name of the film this one is_ surely _not for kids!

**A View to a Kill **

The NORA team have had it with this bastard of a neighbour next door to their base, which they head out to take this person down…can't we all just get along?

**The Living Daylights **

Hope and Sazh ponder over what the hell the title means.

**License to Kill **

Lightning shows off her new 'license to kill' card and gives her the great moment to take care of Snow…Look out, Snow!

**GoldenEye **

Remember how Sazh got a goldfinger and a golden gun, have a wild fucking guess for what he has now…

**Tomorrow Never Dies**

Due to some strange forces in the environment, the day never seems to end and it's up to Vanille 007 to see what is up, could you just imagine her in a tuxedo?

**The World Is Not Enough **

Bored of living on Earth, Sazh attempts to join Fang and Vanille on the moon to help moon rake.

**Die Another Day**

Fang and Vanille may of escaped in 'You Only Live Twice', but their luck runs out at this point (And that was the sound of all the Fang and Vanille fans hearts breaking.)

**Casino Royale **

The NORA teams heads of to a gambling club where you're most likely to expect stripping, sweating and hi-jinks galore!

**Quantum of Solace**

After the their James Bond season flops, the gang all head to a quantum of solace to mourn with each other…oh dear.

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**So there you go, if you want more, I have plans for the next one's theme...Musicals!**


	3. Musicals!

**Alright, back again. This one is quite short sadly as I ran out of ideas of what musicals I could used, but mostly they were British musicals and I fear that as most of the readers are from the US, I decided to use mostly the well known musicals for everyone to try and get the joke. But you'd probably want to start reading this part, oh well then, here!**

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**FFXIIITV is proud to present the new musical adaptions for your enjoyment, or torture!**

**Fame**

Vanille and Serah try their luck out to make it big in the world as a singing duo as well as wearing sexual clothing to turn the men on, with Fang as their manager, who wastes their fortune on going down to the local pub…that tart.

**The Phantom of the Opera**

Snow get's himself a job as a cleaner. A job you say! Oh yes, looks like he ain't stupid at up it seems, though this proves to be his downfall when the theatre's resident phantom, A.K.A Lightning, goes after him as she has this habit of punching the new cleaner's face. (Could you imagine Lightning wearing that mask, kind of would be badass don't you think?)

**Mamma Mia! **

Serah and Snow become parents, aww! Now it wouldn't be much of a problem if Serah hadn't gave birth to thirteen kids, all of which had their Dad's brains…

**Wicked**

Lightning proves herself to be a wicked aunt from hell when she comes to babysit her nephews and nieces…

**The Lion King**

Snow get's himself a new job at the zoo as a cleaner for the enclosures, hmm…

This proves to be a shock for him when he is accidently locked in the Lion enclosure were they alpha male of the group takes chase after Snow.

**The Producers**

To try and earn themselves some money, Sazh and Hope become musical producers as they attempt to try and adapt Fang's play 'There is a killer bastard running around in the city, will they hit the big time?

**Spamalot**

The NORA boys have a hobby of being trolls which they spam-a-lot on many poor fellows. Though they make the big mistake of trolling Lightning, which she pays them a visit…

**Grease**

Before they became team NORA, we go back to their school days when they were the 'T-birds', staring Snow as Danny, not surprisingly, and Serah as Sandy. Also starring a gear-headed Hope as he builds up a most fabulous car that on the downside leaks a lot of Grease…

**Rent**

Hope and Lightning are kicked out of their flat after they fail to pay their monthly rent thanks to Lighting's idiotic brother-in-law.

**Hairspray**

Ever wondered why Vanille has such kiddy looking pigtails? Well the hairspray she uses could explain a lot.

**Gone with the Wind**

A powerful hurricane destroys most of Bodhum, much to the surprise of Hope, who just returned from a long vacation, lucky Hope…

**Cats**

Now _this _should be interesting. The FFXIII cast plays the part of streetwise cats in this musical. Don't get started now you dirty minded furies…

**The Wizard of Oz**

Vanille plays the part of Dorothy in this new remake (DO NOT WANT!) With Snow as the scarecrow, Sazh as the tinman and Hope as the cowardly Lion (Now he'd make a cute Lion don't you think?) Fang also plays the part of the wizard (This should be funny!) While Lightning plays the part of the wicked witch of the west (or is it east?) Now you can boo, hiss and throw stuff at Lightning!

**Jersey Boys**

Down on their luck, the NORA boys become 'The Four Seasons'; with Snow singing so badly that he breaks glass and causes the audience to go death. Better saving your money if I were you.

**The Sound of Music**

Remember at the beginning how Serah and Vanille went off to find fame and fortune? Well have now hit rock bottom singing at a karaoke bar down the road from Kirkcaldy.

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**Now you maybe wondering where is Kirkcaldy about? Well that is my hometown where I stay in Scotland, I just couldn't resist adding a little Scottish touch to a Japanese series, mind you, it's a tough place Kirkcaldy. *See's a crowd of angry FF fans coming* Erm, I'll be off, next one's theme is FFXIIITV's guide to being a star, which could be the last one as I'm nearly out of ideas, unless you have any if you could leave out a review, bye! *Runs aways***


	4. How To Be A Star

**Oh well, this is it. The final chapter to this little series. Now I know many of you wanted me to continue, but i didn't really designed this whole thing to be multi-chaptered. I only made this as a oneshot at first as it was an idea that I couldn't get out of my head, when it became quite popular, I was surprised how well it went down. But really, thanks for your support and ideas to this little series, means a lot. So now we come the end and a great finale. Enjoy the final curtain call!**

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**FFXIIITV is proud to present its guide of how to become a Star!**

**First off, practice makes perfect…**

It was Christmas time yet again at the Viller's home and Snow was testing out his new HD Video Camera, already loving it. As he was filming around the house, he heard some singing going on in the room next to him. Slowly opening the door, he was surprised, yet amused, of seeing Serah and Vanille singing a karaoke game Vanille had got for her Christmas. They were singing to loudly and very badly that they didn't hear Snow creeping into the room filming them (they were singing the Blur tune 'Parklife'.

_Oh! The People! So many People!_

_They all go hand-in-hand, hand-in—ARRGGHHH! _

The two young women jumped out of their skins when they saw Snow filming them, unfortunately for him, let's say only the camera was the only thing left intact more than Snow…

…**Keep persevering…**

"He's up that way, no, down there!"

Snow was calling out commands to his NORA comrades up from his bedroom window as they tried to catch Snow's pet dog that was running through a large vine field. Ever since he bought the dog, it had always wanted to get away from him and today was one of those days**. **His poor teammates had been at this chase for about half an hour now and the damn always just got away from either of them.

Then came a cry from Yuj, a hopeful one. "I've got him! I've got him…oh dear…"

What the young man pulled up was not the small dog Snow had, but a large dog that looked ready to rip away at Yuj. All of them in the field then took a runner from the large dog. The scene could have been out of a Horror film or something. Thankfully, NORA managed to get to safety, though Snow's dog was never seen again…

…**When you get your big break…**

"Be careful with that, Light!" Cried Hope.

With Serah now moving out of her old home and now starting to live out a new life with Snow, Hope and Lightning were helping pack up all of her belongings into the many cardboard boxes around the room. Hope though was taking this very seriously to make sure he didn't break any or he would face Lightning's wrath…

"I hear some glass in this one," Hope said after he picked up a box that didn't have the word 'fragile' on it.

"It won't be filled with any breakable parts in it," Lightning replied taking the box out of his hands. "Serah won't be that stupid of putting fragile things in a box that hasn't the word fragile on it, unless it's Snow."

With Lightning now walking away with the box, muttering something about how she didn't like Snow, she failed to notice another box near her feet, and when she tripped up…

SMASH

Falling out of the box and breaking into a thousands pieces, which made Lightning scared shitless, was her sister's prized piggy bank. Serah had had that piggy bank since she was two, and now that it was broken, god knows what she would do if she saw to see Lightning making a fail.

"Hope," Lightning uttered holding her head in her hands.

"Yeah?" Hope asked.

"Go the kitchen and get me the damn glue now."

And for the rest of the day, Lightning and Hope helped each other to fix Serah's piggy bank back together quickly.

…**Once you've made it, you'll be able to enjoy the fast cars…**

Vanille waited excitedly for Fang to turn up, only as she had bought a brand-new sports car. Then she heard a noise from above the hill (the place she was at was in a housing estate that was on a slope.)

Soon a maroon coloured sports car purred up over the hill and stopped alongside Vanille, who was grinning like an idiot. Out of the car, Fang smiled at her new toy before looking at Vanille.

"So what'd you think then?" She asked Vanille.

"It's amazing!" She exclaimed. "Can I have a shot in it?"

"Wait now," Fang said waving a finger at her, "this thing is brand new and I don't want it to get damage anyway I want it to—What?"

Vanille now looked horrified, lost for words at something pointing behind Fang. When Fang looked around, she bolted off at what she saw, she had forgot to put the breaks on and the car was rolling down the hill.

Even with Fang chasing after it, it was still going too fast, even with the engine off. Fang's heart then broke when the car crashed into another car. Poor Fang never drove again…

…**And the champagne lifestyle…**

It was Hope's eighteenth birthday party and everyone was all invited to celebrate with Hope. They all cheered when Hope fired off the cork of the champagne bottle. The cork then went into the direction of lampshade on the roof, which the cork hit and caused the lampshade to fall on Sazh's head and fall face first into his bowl of cream and chocolate. Everyone nearly pissed themselves laughing so hard when Sazh looked at them crossly with a face full of cream.

"…Happy birthday you little bastard."

…**The paparazzi will do anything for a photo…**

Hand gliding past a celebrity's mansion, Fang had a new job being as part of the paparazzi. "Wait for it…" Fang muttered getting her camera ready to take a snapshot as she got nearer the window.

She took the photo, a bit too early though, which ruined her shot. "Shit!" She exclaimed feeling disappointed. She was quite deep in thought that she wasn't paying attention to where she was going…right into a brick wall.

CRASH

…**But don't get upset by a prime lens…**

Fang was at it again at her job, trying to catch a photo of the celebratory. The person was in fact a world famous football player, who was relaxing in his outside hot tub. Too bad nobody told Fang that the person HATED anyone taking his photo without his permission…

Nevertheless, Fang hid herself in the bushes and aimed her lens at him. She took the photo, but the camera made a great flash that got the person's attention. Fang was chased by the security out of the mansion grounds and vowed the quit the job soon after.

…**And finally, don't get a burnout. **

The gang (Minus Lightning not surprisingly) were happy playing a game of trying to catch Hope's boomerang round their campsite. Sazh managed to catch it, but fell backwards rolling over the campfire.

"OH SHIT!" Sazh screamed as he raced to a nearby river to put out the fire on his flaming hair. The rest of them didn't know whenever to laugh or be scared at what was happening with Sazh. Still, the breathed a sigh of relive when he jumped into the river and the fire was put out, though he had to swim out quickly as a strange water beast came after him.

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**That's yer lot! Even if this is over, you can always make your own, perhaps make a far better one than this. This whole thing shows that you could be a big star by acting a fool, well it didn't stop Snow...**

**Until next time, which I'll be working on 'Not Alone', A fond farewell with this fanfic.**


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